My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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