threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
