Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
