ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just invented taco cereal.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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