so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
