May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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