I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
