There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
