i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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