thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
