I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I love you.
Bad choice
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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