The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
