In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
