I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
