I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
