I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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