the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
