I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
