his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
