I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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