I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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