i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize