She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh god it's open bar.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
