We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We had sex on a dog bed..
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
