I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
