I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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