What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you will always have a special place in my vag
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
