Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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