The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
