We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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