Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
