I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
