I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
