i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
