And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
