I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
