Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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