Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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