I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize