my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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