sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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