While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
