OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
