Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
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