i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
