It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
