Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
