No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
