we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
