there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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