My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
this must be what syphilis tastes like
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize