i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
