its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
