True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
