Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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