I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
