Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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