You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
