i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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