I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
