I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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