they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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